"I'm not sure..."

If you've asked me how I am this week then my answer will probably have been "I'm not sure... but thank you for asking." 

I found the start of the week particularly difficult. Monday, an exact week after mum passed away, was strange. I was keenly aware of every hour that came & went & at 1pm (the time that mum died) the hands on my watch seemed to freeze before insensitively bursting back into life again. 

One week gone, one week without her. It's not even as though I spoke to mum or saw her every single day but the fact was, I knew she was there. My mum just there in my life. The option was there when I needed it. Available to celebrate my achievements & commiserate my losses. To listen to my rhetoric & be the lighthouse to my ship. I might not have always used the lighthouse during the storm - but at least I had the option (typical daughter!). Like the oxygen in our lungs, you don't realise quite how much you rely on it until it's not there. I guess that might sound selfish... 

I feel as though mum's getting further & further away from me with each passing day & I don't know what I can do about that. Me, my dad & 2 of my oldest friends looked through mum's belongings on Monday. I retrieved a couple of scarves that I'll wear as headwraps, a dressing gown, a beautiful chair from my parents' lounge & a bracelet that I used to fiddle with as a little girl, when I was sat on her lap. Hopefully the things that physically belonged to her will help me to keep her close. Some days I'm happy to talk about it, most days I'm not. The normality of daily life keeps us so busy. With 3 smalls the daily routine is both comforting & cruel. If I don't want to think about it, then there's enough stuff going on to distract me from doing so. Both my husband and I are self-employed, which means that we don't get compassionate leave - we get "oh your card has been declined". Mum's funeral is on Wednesday - that will surely help to bring some closure & make it real. Incidentally, the funeral is sandwiched (un)comfortably between the childrens' End of Year assembly and their school Summer Party. All on the same day - of course they are! I'm determined that the kids should be at all 3 events. We are absolutely taking them to the funeral to allow them to say goodbye & they need to be there to hear all of the wonderful things said about their Grandma. It'll be a formative & important memory for them. However, after that I see no logic I  making them stand in a room with a load of "boring" adults (none of you are boring, I hasten to add, but my 5 & 4 year olds will certainly see it that way) So it's off to the school summer party they'll go. I predict that in the not too distant future i will want/need to sit down and talk this grief thing through with a professional. That'll be my future investment - but for now writing, singing, working out (yes, I am a cliché) & spending time doing the Bible in One Year are my forms of therapy. It's in these moments that I find the peace that resounds & echoes throughout the rest of the day. 

This week's Plumb headlines are as follows (Maybe I'll call this section the PlumbLine): - Saturday singing at the Emirates for JustOne was incredible. They looked after us very well. Driving straight into the stadium, chilling in the exec club area. J.John preached up a storm & I got to hang out with some of best team around.  - Sunday I was peopled out so we chilled at home, sorry kids 

- Tuesday was the day that my next PT/FT assignment was due & because I'm that much of a last minute Mary, I spent all day & all night working on it. You either pass your assignments or you don't & fortunately, I passed!  - Kids all smashed their school week. Their favourite new game is "Voice Kids". This basically involves one of them being a judge, one being the contestant & one being the supportive friends & family backstage. They each take it in turn to play a role. It involves all 3 of them & is basically brilliant - so it's a yes from me! 

#grief #loss