Honestly... I'm happy for you!
- Hope Lyndsey Plumb
- Aug 6, 2016
- 6 min read
It's a question that I find myself asking with more & more frequency - "how can I be happy in others successes & triumphs when they are where I want to be?"
What's the difference between envy and jealousy? I read this description on a Psychology Today blog:
"Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something."
Now, I am not a jealous person, much to my husband's disdain. I just don't feel jealousy in any circumstance. But something that I do feel is envy.
I'm not proud of it & it is because of my want to rid myself of it that I have come to write this post.
Imagine these scenarios: A friend announces that she's got the job that you know you'd be perfect for. A younger sister tells you that she's engaged whilst you're not even in a relationship. A girlfriend tells you that she's expecting a baby after only a short time of trying but you've been struggling with infertility issues for years or maybe something as silly as someone telling you that they've booked their 3 week long summer holiday to the Bahamas but you can't remember the last time you stepped foot on an aeroplane... You listen with intent & will yourself to give a heartfelt response of congratulations but instead an unwanted, subtle yet very present emotion begins deep within your chest, creeps up through your tightening neck & spreads across your face & you silently pray that your oh so expressive face won't give you away. Or is that just me?
What should we do in these very real moments? How can I deal with the successes of others whilst I'm going through a "not so triumphant" period? Whilst doing some research for this blog (don't be shocked, I research!) I found an article that I'm not going to name because I don't fancy being sued. In it the author - let's call her *Jackie states that her friend - let's call her *Jane, has mastered the art of being happy for other people by making other's successes about her. In other words when Jackie told Jane that she'd published an article for a well known online newsite, Jane (not aloud) remembered all the times that she'd given Jackie feedback on her work or helped her to choose subjects.
Face. Palm! Are we that self centred as a human race that we have to turn everything into a back patting ceremony for OURSELVES? Whilst I freely admit to being envious at times, I definitely don't believe that my friends' recent good news is down to me! Of course no one is entirely autonomous but COME. ON!!! *eye rolling emoji*
As I've mentioned before, this blog is essentially my open, public journal. For me, the purpose of journalling is to bookmark events, moments, emotions in my life & then to see how I can learn from them, move on & improve. Which in turn affects my world & those in my world, hopefully & intentionally for the better.
Therefore, here is my "manifesto" on how I can next time be able to say to someone "Honestly... I'm happy for you"
(I can't tell you the number of times that I've re-ordered these but I just can't get the order right. I think it changes according to where you are in life. So, in no particular order...)
Be assured in who I am...
Pretty self explanatory really. What are my gifts & talents? What am I good at? What do I love to do? Conversely doing those things go towards making me into who I am, not merely what I do.
Be secure in WHERE I am in life...
For 2 years I was pregnant. Physically impossible? yes, but it sure felt that way. Pregnant with the twins in Jan 2011 and then pregnant with Betsy-Luz by April 2012! Those years were definitely a challenging. I very suddenly went from living my dreams, session singing dashing around London, "doing lunches" & endless nights out with friends to brake squeakingly fast feeding babies non stop in quiet (but beautiful) Coleshill & seeing no one other than family (for whom I'm so grateful, extremely blessed to have them literally on our doorstep)
Motherhood is a season of tensions & joys like no other, so learning to be secure & happy in that season was essential for my mental & emotional health.
I have a specific place in life, I am indispensable...
As a Christian I believe that we are all part of one Body, one unit with one purpose in mind.
"... God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is there are many parts but one body" 1 Corinthians 12.18-20
We are all unique whether you believe that's by design or accident. We all bring something different to the table and what you bring is unique, just like your thumbprint.
Christian or not, you may label it as destiny, your path, your "authentic self" or your calling.
Stay in my own lane...
Don't look over your shoulder, the grass isn't always greener, we don't know what struggles others are facing in their lives until we're in their shoes. I'm constantly & daily floored when I hear people's back stories. These are people that look like they've never had to fight for anything but behind the scenes a battle has been/is being fought.
Practise positivity, choose to embrace...
Holding on to envy is stressful, in the words of a certain kickass princess "Let It Go"
Try not to complain about it, or complain to just one impartial party & then STOP, move on. Speaking about it, thinking about it only gives oxygen to the hurt & it begins to grow like an unwanted brain fungus.
Commit to change that which I'm unhappy about, use their triumph as inspiration to go & get mine.
Research, ask questions, be proactive. As my dear friend Jo Saxton (Twitter.com/josaxton) tweeted only one hour ago:
"Please don't wait to be chosen, be proactive"
No one succeeds just to rub it in my face...
Take yourself out of the equation, really it's not about you! I'm sure I have played very little part in another's motivation to advance in life. Not everything is a competition. Competing with others, constantly trying to appear as if you're doing better than x, y & z is utterly exhausting & a ginormous waste of time
Refuse to allow it head space...
Guaranteed the other person isn't thinking about you! So don't fill up your head with negative/destructive thoughts.
Compile a list of that which I am grateful for...
It's a Self Explanatory point - You know I'm a fan of the list.
Don't compare my life to anyone else's...
Teddy Roosevelt so eloquently said
"Comparison is the thief of joy"
Can you imagine? he said that way before the dawn of (the time & joy thief that is) Social Media (I'm well aware of the irony, you only read this post because I advertised it via FB or Instagram, now shush!)
Roosevelt's statement is even more pertinent with the dawn of Instagram Stories, Periscope, Unroll, Snapchat & FaceBook Live. These capture what we consider to be "video worthy" moments... But just think about what's going on for the other 23hrs, 54 mins & 2 seconds of the day that aren't being documented. You know, the moments that aren't worth recording. Fact is, there are many more mundane moments in our days than moments of excitement. But seriously, who wants to see me loading the dishwasher?
When we compare, we know all the grubby little details of our own situations & we hold them up against the seemingly positive situations that we're being shown on our screens.
Let's endeavour to not see our lives through the grainy window of a vague, often wrongly perceived standard of greatness.
My dear friend... Whatever it is that you are doing, be it the thankless slog of endless housework or your dream job & going on 5 beautiful holidays a year - I will, from here on in, endeavour to work hard enough on my own life, so that I when you next tell me your good news, I can truly & honestly say "I'm happy for you".
*names have been changed
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